Hmm... So I decided that I was going to continue writting on this xanga in the hopes that noone will read it. I guess I need a break from the other. Not that people actually read it but I dont know, its the layout or something that is bothering me and I dont feel like fixing it.
Things have been so... so... crazy. But at the same time they havent. Its not like alot of big things happen or few big things happen but a bit of little things that could be big things if I made them that way. I guess its my way of saying that im having trouble keeping my wall up. My safty wall; so that nothing bad can come in. I spend alot of time making sure that I dont let anything bother me but... at the same time I dont mind so much as I use to. Now I have an amazing boyfriend who jumps to the occasion when I want to talk about something, great friends that I know will listen if I need to talk. Im learning that I dont always have to be so strong. Its just a little hard getting use to.
There use to be alot of things that held me back from doing the "adult" thing. Driving, getting a job, paying bills... but now there isnt anything. I am finally ready to grow up, at least thats what I keep telling myself. I use to think that I didnt have any goals bc I didnt want to go back to school, I didnt want to get a job, and if I did I wouldnt know what I wanted to do. People, well most people, know what they want to be when they "grow up" I thought that becoming a hairdresser would be good enough but now I know that it was an easy way to say "see, i am doing something with my life" ;my scapegoat. Im not proud of it or anything, Im just being honest. The more that I think my life is going nowhere the more that I think I dont want to go anywhere. That was when I came to realize, I dont want a fancy job, a trendy social life... I dont care about those things. I have been home alone for as long as I can remember and all that I want to do it create a home of my own... a home where noone is left home alone. I want a nice house, loving husband, great kids. That is my dream in life. Its not degrading to want to take care of someone just because its "old fashoned". Nothing would give me more happiness then being a mom or a wife.
At the moment I already feel like someones wife. Nick and I have been together for over two years now. We have had some really rough times; times I honestly didnt think there was a point even to work through. But we did thank god and have both grown together more than anyone besides ourselves would, could know. We were two totally different people when we first met. Different from who we are now and different from eachother then. I had never known anyone like him before. Looking back, I cant believe what I did. Man was I fearless. There is no way that today I would go up to someone I didnt know who looked the way he did, did the things he did and want to become friends with him. Maybe that is the impact or influence that he has had on me these last two years but its ok. We got past the differences, the bad habbits, annoying traits... we learned how to compromise and accept eachothers faults to make it work. We have come so far and loved eachother more then anyone I have ever known. He is my soulmate and the man of my dreams and I want to spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to make him happy because I know he will do the same for me because he has so far. He has a bigger heart than anyone. I love him to death.
Man I cant wait to move out! Have my own place... my own style... my own dishes. It would be like a sleepover everynight with Nick. My own rules... and curfew... god it sounds too good to be true. All of the stuff in my room could fill a house so I wouldnt have to worry about not having things... the only things I would have to buy are kitchen things. I cant wait to be independent and my own boss. At the present, im a stay at home daughter, as my father would say. haha...
Well, my hands are frozen and my bed is warm so im off...
Peace
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